Futile catharsis

 I have always had problems letting go of people. If I were to list my biggest flaws,it would be one of them. This flaw gets so big that it starts to outshine my self-esteem and ego. And I end up as a creep. Not that I want to, more like I can't help myself. This usually revolves around the same set of people. Indifferent, ambiguous, undecipherable people. People who aren't even thinking about me rn. People I am trying my level best not to go back to. I am very likely to succeed. These people make me play with my career. These people turn my reason into wildness. These people make me feel much smaller than I already do.

I have been feeling very lonely lately. Loneliness that makes me cry and want to run away. Loneliness that is lethal and lethargic. Loneliness that is futile.

I listen to music to shut down the myriad of thoughts that try to penetrate my head, as if they are arrows with sharp heads. It used to succeed, but now it just becomes another realm inside my head. Even the gayest of songs don't shut this black hole, afterall black holes suck in anything that gets near them.

My cousin says that our mind is very powerful—if it wants to prove something delusional, it will find proofs to do so. I kind of second him. I can list the probable reasons for whatever I'm going through and they will sound quite intellectual.

But a strong part of me does realize that there need not be any reason and my head is merely trying to validate its triumph over me.